Further proof that you don't have to lose your spunk as an old lady!
A while ago, my younger brother was working at Shoppers. One day, he was stocking the milk coolers. Now, these aren't the up-right coolers. These are the long low ones that you have to bend way over to grab the milk from, especially if its running low. This time, the coolers were practically empty, so Adam had to reach all the way to the back to fill them. Just has he leaned over, milk jug in each hand, an old lady came up behind him, got a two-hand hold on his butt and said "Mmmm, I'd like to get some of that in my kitchen!". He looked behind him, thinking it was his fiance, who worked at the same store, and the old girl just smiled back and walked away.
Life Lesson: Getting older doesn't mean slowing down in the slightest!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Old Lady Approximation
More than a decade and a half ago, I was lucky enough to meet Heloise. She was in her late eighties at the time, and as fiesty as anything.
One day, she accidentally locked herself out of her house. Noticing that one of the upstiars windows was partially open, she went and got a ladder, put it up against the side of the house and started climbing up. About this time, a police car drove by. Noticing an elderly lady climbing up a ladder, they stopped, and one of the officers called out "Hey Lady, what are you doing?". Not missing a beat, Heloise yelled "What do you think I'm doing, I'm eloping!" and proceeded to climb up and in the window.
Another time, Heloise was walking out of the grocery store, carrying bags of groceries, and a teenage boy ran by, knocking into her and almost knocking her over. Heloise dropped the bags she was carrying, grabbed the kid by the scruff of his neck, and gave him a boot in the rear, saying "You need to respect your elders!"
Life Lesson: Growing older does not mean losing your spunk.
One day, she accidentally locked herself out of her house. Noticing that one of the upstiars windows was partially open, she went and got a ladder, put it up against the side of the house and started climbing up. About this time, a police car drove by. Noticing an elderly lady climbing up a ladder, they stopped, and one of the officers called out "Hey Lady, what are you doing?". Not missing a beat, Heloise yelled "What do you think I'm doing, I'm eloping!" and proceeded to climb up and in the window.
Another time, Heloise was walking out of the grocery store, carrying bags of groceries, and a teenage boy ran by, knocking into her and almost knocking her over. Heloise dropped the bags she was carrying, grabbed the kid by the scruff of his neck, and gave him a boot in the rear, saying "You need to respect your elders!"
Life Lesson: Growing older does not mean losing your spunk.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Conversion Solution
One day, after returning from a weekend in Edmonton, a student and I got into a discussion on how to get rid of people who come to your door, trying to convert you. How did we get onto this topic? Over the weekend, I had answered the door to my parent's place and, standing there, were two eager individuals, waiting to save my immortal soul. However, they took one look at me, excused themselves, and left. Why, you may ask? It may have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing a shirt that read "Evil Mutant Science Teacher."
So, back at school, I was telling my students this story, expressing my pleasure in how effective the shirt was for warding off unwanted evangelizers. That's when Anne proposed another method for getting rid of them: using the Force. Simple enough. "You don't want to convert me. You want to go convert someone else." (Obi Wan voice and hand actions included, of course).
My next suggestion was to keep a physics textbook next to the door and before they got going say "Wait! First, a reading from my bible. The book of Einstein, chapter 4, verse 2: And Einstein sayeth 'e=mc2'."
Anne then told me about her dad's preferred method: open the door, and before they can say anything you say "Did you know that God is a girl and his name is Eros? Well God is a girl and his name is Eros. Do you have faith? All is lost without faith. I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith!"
However, I will say that the prize for best way to handle door-to-door converters goes to Pamela, who, instead of turning them away, agrees to listen as long as they do her housework. Well played!
Life Lesson: There is always a beneficial solution to a problem. You just have to get a little creative.
So, back at school, I was telling my students this story, expressing my pleasure in how effective the shirt was for warding off unwanted evangelizers. That's when Anne proposed another method for getting rid of them: using the Force. Simple enough. "You don't want to convert me. You want to go convert someone else." (Obi Wan voice and hand actions included, of course).
My next suggestion was to keep a physics textbook next to the door and before they got going say "Wait! First, a reading from my bible. The book of Einstein, chapter 4, verse 2: And Einstein sayeth 'e=mc2'."
Anne then told me about her dad's preferred method: open the door, and before they can say anything you say "Did you know that God is a girl and his name is Eros? Well God is a girl and his name is Eros. Do you have faith? All is lost without faith. I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith!"
However, I will say that the prize for best way to handle door-to-door converters goes to Pamela, who, instead of turning them away, agrees to listen as long as they do her housework. Well played!
Life Lesson: There is always a beneficial solution to a problem. You just have to get a little creative.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Escape Hamster Variable
Part way through my first year of teaching, I acquired a hamster for my classroom. She had belonged to one of the foreign students who was with us for a few months, and when he left, she came to live at the school. Originally, her name was Ham. Thinking that wasn't all that original, I changed her name to Tantalum, after the element.
Well, who knew that naming a hamster would cause so much controversy. Ryan lead the great hamster name rebellion, actually getting the majority of the students in the school to sign a petition to change her name. He succeeded, but only to the point where we did change her name. His ultimate goal was to get her named Optimus Prime. Seeing that she was a she, I pointed out that her name would have to be Optima Prime. After an extensive vote, we ended up naming her Petri LeBonbon.
Now, I am convinced that Petri was Houdini in a past life. In the time I had her, she had three different cages, and managed to escape all of them. Her first cage was the traditional wire kind. It wasn't long before she learned how to pop the front latch on it, and was escaping regularly. After we realized what she was doing, we wired that hatch shut, and just used the top one. Well, didn't she go and learn how to scale the cage, use her back paws to pop the top latch, and then flip herself out. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it possible. That particular stunt earned Petri the nickname SpiderHamster. Once she learned how to open the top hatch, it was time for a new cage. This time, we got her a plastic one with pods and tubes for her to run around in.
Around this time, she went to live in the 1-2-3 classroom for a few days. One day, Julie (the teacher) came in an found one of the latched was popped open, and Petri was gone. Julie was so afraid that we would end up finding Petri's skeletal remains in one of the elementary classes that she came in over the weekend and spent hours moving everything around in the school, trying to find Petri. Eventually, Julie found her under a bookshelf in the Library, which it turned out was her favourite hiding spot (and the first one we checked whenever she escaped after that).
One of my favourite escapes happened one day while I was cleaning Petri's cage. Whenever I cleaned the cage, I was in the habit of putting Petri in her hamster ball to run around. The whole time she was in there, she would roll around the room (and hallway if I opened the door), banging into whatever was in her way. One day, as I was cleaning the cage, there was more banging than usual. And then suddenly, I noticed that the banging stopped. I looked over, and there was an open, and empty, hamster ball. Petri had managed to hit the hamster ball into the wall so hard, the lid had popped off. That was the end of unsupervised hamster ball time.
Petri got her third home as a result of one of her unfinished escape attempts. Because we had become so diligent about making sure every latch was secure, Petri had started tunnelling out of her cage. Seriously. I discovered this one day when I was cleaning it, and realized that she had chewed through the plastic. She had done so much chewing, that when I went to put the cage back together, several of the connections collapsed. Her third cage actually outlasted her. She passed away over the summer holidays two years ago.
When we came back to school in the fall, the kids were after me to get another hamster, and having the cage and supplies already, I agreed. This time we got a male hamster. Have you ever seen a male hamster? They have the freakiest external genitalia I have ever seen. Let me put it this way - if human males were proportioned the same way, hammer pants would never have gone out of style. I know I teach sex ed, but having to explain testicles to a grade 2 student is not something I enjoy doing. Naturally, if I every get another hamster, it is going to be female.
Anyway, our new hamster, D'Artagnon, must have escaped from Krypton or something. One week after we got him, he Superman-ed the bars on his cage, and escaped. Unfortunately, D'Artangon, and D'Artagnon 2.0 were not very long-lived (each survived only 3 weeks). However, each one managed to escape the cage no less than 5 times.
Life Lesson: Determination - everyone has it.
Well, who knew that naming a hamster would cause so much controversy. Ryan lead the great hamster name rebellion, actually getting the majority of the students in the school to sign a petition to change her name. He succeeded, but only to the point where we did change her name. His ultimate goal was to get her named Optimus Prime. Seeing that she was a she, I pointed out that her name would have to be Optima Prime. After an extensive vote, we ended up naming her Petri LeBonbon.
Now, I am convinced that Petri was Houdini in a past life. In the time I had her, she had three different cages, and managed to escape all of them. Her first cage was the traditional wire kind. It wasn't long before she learned how to pop the front latch on it, and was escaping regularly. After we realized what she was doing, we wired that hatch shut, and just used the top one. Well, didn't she go and learn how to scale the cage, use her back paws to pop the top latch, and then flip herself out. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it possible. That particular stunt earned Petri the nickname SpiderHamster. Once she learned how to open the top hatch, it was time for a new cage. This time, we got her a plastic one with pods and tubes for her to run around in.
Around this time, she went to live in the 1-2-3 classroom for a few days. One day, Julie (the teacher) came in an found one of the latched was popped open, and Petri was gone. Julie was so afraid that we would end up finding Petri's skeletal remains in one of the elementary classes that she came in over the weekend and spent hours moving everything around in the school, trying to find Petri. Eventually, Julie found her under a bookshelf in the Library, which it turned out was her favourite hiding spot (and the first one we checked whenever she escaped after that).
One of my favourite escapes happened one day while I was cleaning Petri's cage. Whenever I cleaned the cage, I was in the habit of putting Petri in her hamster ball to run around. The whole time she was in there, she would roll around the room (and hallway if I opened the door), banging into whatever was in her way. One day, as I was cleaning the cage, there was more banging than usual. And then suddenly, I noticed that the banging stopped. I looked over, and there was an open, and empty, hamster ball. Petri had managed to hit the hamster ball into the wall so hard, the lid had popped off. That was the end of unsupervised hamster ball time.
Petri got her third home as a result of one of her unfinished escape attempts. Because we had become so diligent about making sure every latch was secure, Petri had started tunnelling out of her cage. Seriously. I discovered this one day when I was cleaning it, and realized that she had chewed through the plastic. She had done so much chewing, that when I went to put the cage back together, several of the connections collapsed. Her third cage actually outlasted her. She passed away over the summer holidays two years ago.
When we came back to school in the fall, the kids were after me to get another hamster, and having the cage and supplies already, I agreed. This time we got a male hamster. Have you ever seen a male hamster? They have the freakiest external genitalia I have ever seen. Let me put it this way - if human males were proportioned the same way, hammer pants would never have gone out of style. I know I teach sex ed, but having to explain testicles to a grade 2 student is not something I enjoy doing. Naturally, if I every get another hamster, it is going to be female.
Anyway, our new hamster, D'Artagnon, must have escaped from Krypton or something. One week after we got him, he Superman-ed the bars on his cage, and escaped. Unfortunately, D'Artangon, and D'Artagnon 2.0 were not very long-lived (each survived only 3 weeks). However, each one managed to escape the cage no less than 5 times.
Life Lesson: Determination - everyone has it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Cat Herding Hypothesis
Teaching teenagers is like herding cats. A lot of the time, it seems impossible, but there is always something happening that makes it worthwhile. Lucky for me, I get a lot of those worthwhile moments. And a lot of these have resulted in great quotes from my students.
Sean is always a font of wonderful insanity. One of his best came one day when he was trying a new kind of tea I had brought in. He had a sip, looked at me and said "Tara, this tea smells like a rich hot chocolate and tastes like beautiful." A while later, during a game of Periodic Table Hangman, Sean and Rachel were sitting on chairs, side by side. Well, Rachel was sitting; Sean was sprawling, and his legs were taking up a lot of room. All of a sudden, all I heard was "You're tickling my toe with your butt!" A few weeks after that, Sean was working on a Math question in my room. He had the problem written up on the board, turned to me and said "I should make the angles sin30 and cos30 and really screw over the equation."
While Sean's comments are always funny, Teddie has had some of the best ones, completely inadvertently. For example:
About The Ring:
"Is that the one where the TV takes a leak?"
When she was instructing another student:
"Look at be being all smart and like!"
On how she learns:
"I learn like I paint a fence: Its kind of random and sporadic, but it all gets done eventually!"
Life Lesson: Even though something may be challenging, there is always something that makes it worthwhile.
Sean is always a font of wonderful insanity. One of his best came one day when he was trying a new kind of tea I had brought in. He had a sip, looked at me and said "Tara, this tea smells like a rich hot chocolate and tastes like beautiful." A while later, during a game of Periodic Table Hangman, Sean and Rachel were sitting on chairs, side by side. Well, Rachel was sitting; Sean was sprawling, and his legs were taking up a lot of room. All of a sudden, all I heard was "You're tickling my toe with your butt!" A few weeks after that, Sean was working on a Math question in my room. He had the problem written up on the board, turned to me and said "I should make the angles sin30 and cos30 and really screw over the equation."
While Sean's comments are always funny, Teddie has had some of the best ones, completely inadvertently. For example:
About The Ring:
"Is that the one where the TV takes a leak?"
When she was instructing another student:
"Look at be being all smart and like!"
On how she learns:
"I learn like I paint a fence: Its kind of random and sporadic, but it all gets done eventually!"
Life Lesson: Even though something may be challenging, there is always something that makes it worthwhile.
Friday, February 3, 2012
The Injured Wrist Assumption
About a week ago, I burnt my wrist while making a cup of tea. A foolish accident, really. I was reaching to unplug the kettle and my wrist ended up getting hit with a jet of steam. I tried to do the first-aid thing myself, but when the injury is on your dominant hand, it's not the easiest thing to do. I ended up calling my friend, Claudina. who was was kind enough to come over and help me wrap my wrist up.
Freshly bandaged, I headed off for dance class, where I was greeted with a chorus of "What happened?", "Are you alright", and, most commonly, "Is that a baking injury?" Now, I know that I bake a lot. And I know that the people in my dance class often benefited from that baking. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that that is the first thing people thought of when they saw my injury.
The only person who didn't immediately assume it was a baking injury was one of my dance instructors, David. Just so you understand his comment, you need to know that the previous evening, I had arrived at dance a bit early, and, having been crocheting a hat on the train on the way to dance, I took it out and continued to work on it. David saw me doing this and asked me a few things about what I was doing, and that was that. So, when he saw my bandaged wrist he asked "Is that a knitting injury?". Okay, I get that a lot of people confuse knitting and crocheting, and had I actually been knitting there is a remote possibility that I could have accidentally stabbed my wrist with a particularly sharp knitting needle. But, given that I was crocheting and the chances of injuring one's self with a crochet hook are virtually nonexistent, the next words out of my mouth were "What do you think this is, yarn burn?"
Life Lesson: People will always make assumptions about a situation based on what little they know about you.
Freshly bandaged, I headed off for dance class, where I was greeted with a chorus of "What happened?", "Are you alright", and, most commonly, "Is that a baking injury?" Now, I know that I bake a lot. And I know that the people in my dance class often benefited from that baking. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that that is the first thing people thought of when they saw my injury.
The only person who didn't immediately assume it was a baking injury was one of my dance instructors, David. Just so you understand his comment, you need to know that the previous evening, I had arrived at dance a bit early, and, having been crocheting a hat on the train on the way to dance, I took it out and continued to work on it. David saw me doing this and asked me a few things about what I was doing, and that was that. So, when he saw my bandaged wrist he asked "Is that a knitting injury?". Okay, I get that a lot of people confuse knitting and crocheting, and had I actually been knitting there is a remote possibility that I could have accidentally stabbed my wrist with a particularly sharp knitting needle. But, given that I was crocheting and the chances of injuring one's self with a crochet hook are virtually nonexistent, the next words out of my mouth were "What do you think this is, yarn burn?"
Life Lesson: People will always make assumptions about a situation based on what little they know about you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Games Night Application
Growing up, "Games Night" was a regular thing in my family. Scrabble, Monopoly, Crib and Crokinole were brought out with great frequency. Even into adulthood, these games have been a regular part of family gatherings.
Crokinole has always been a source of great entertainment. Lets start with the fact that I have zero eye-hand coordination. Add to that how easy it is to make me laugh. Laughter + Bad Aim is guaranteed to equal Really Bad Aim. A couple of times, it has led to injuries. Nothing too serious, just, you know, pinging my brother between the eyes with one of the disks. But, it does mean that when we play doubles, no one wants to be my partner.
Scrabble is one of our family favourites. My mom and I have an ongoing marathon, which we pick up every time I visit. Scrabble has provided many, many fun memories. One of my favourites is from a couple of years ago when, after a few drinks, my brother, Adam, joined us for a game. After a few turns, Adam tried to spell the word "Shitted". Between fits of laughter, Mom and I tried to explain to him that "Shitted" is not a really word. "Sure it is," Adam argued, "I shitted on the lawn." It took a while longer, but we finally managed to convince him that he wasn't allowed to spell it. Another time the validity of a word came into question was when my one of my friends was playing with us. Now, this friend is funny, sweet, totally awesome, and gay. When he played what was definitely not a real word, we told him he couldn't play it. His response was "You won't let me play that word because I'm a homo!". My mom looked at him, completely straight-faced, and said "Sweetie, I don't care that you're a homo. You can't play that word."
Last year, I took my love of games and brought it to the school I work at. I started a Scrabble Ladder. Basically, students and staff signed up and were randomly put into a ladder where they could challenge anyone up to three spots above them to a match. The whole goal was to play your way up to the top of the ladder. It was more popular than I expected - students as young as grade 2 were signing up and challenging older students, and even teachers. Some of the younger students were so into it, they insisted that we run it again this year. One of the grade 4 boys was particularly vehement in his insistence. Last year, in grade 3, he had managed to play his was to second on the ladder and was unable to defeat me (though he definitely tried). This year he was more determined than ever to beat me - over the summer he made his mom go out and by a Scrabble board so that he could practice (and this Christmas he got a Scrabble Dictionary in his stocking; it is one of him most prized possessions). So, after a few weeks of play, he had made it to the number one spot, and I made it to number 2. I challenged him, won, and was instantly challenged by him. Our game was set for the following week. That meant that for the next week, every time he saw me in the hall, he would look up at me and say with all seriousness "Tara, I'm taking you down!". After five days of this, I knew I had to say something. So, next time he said "Tara, I'm taking you down!" I looked at him and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown". Not missing a beat, he looked up at me and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown, and to London, and to Edmonton!" Down to Edmonton - you know that's serious.
Life Lesson: Make time for games night. It gives you a great way to connect with people, be it your family, friends, or students.
Crokinole has always been a source of great entertainment. Lets start with the fact that I have zero eye-hand coordination. Add to that how easy it is to make me laugh. Laughter + Bad Aim is guaranteed to equal Really Bad Aim. A couple of times, it has led to injuries. Nothing too serious, just, you know, pinging my brother between the eyes with one of the disks. But, it does mean that when we play doubles, no one wants to be my partner.
Scrabble is one of our family favourites. My mom and I have an ongoing marathon, which we pick up every time I visit. Scrabble has provided many, many fun memories. One of my favourites is from a couple of years ago when, after a few drinks, my brother, Adam, joined us for a game. After a few turns, Adam tried to spell the word "Shitted". Between fits of laughter, Mom and I tried to explain to him that "Shitted" is not a really word. "Sure it is," Adam argued, "I shitted on the lawn." It took a while longer, but we finally managed to convince him that he wasn't allowed to spell it. Another time the validity of a word came into question was when my one of my friends was playing with us. Now, this friend is funny, sweet, totally awesome, and gay. When he played what was definitely not a real word, we told him he couldn't play it. His response was "You won't let me play that word because I'm a homo!". My mom looked at him, completely straight-faced, and said "Sweetie, I don't care that you're a homo. You can't play that word."
Last year, I took my love of games and brought it to the school I work at. I started a Scrabble Ladder. Basically, students and staff signed up and were randomly put into a ladder where they could challenge anyone up to three spots above them to a match. The whole goal was to play your way up to the top of the ladder. It was more popular than I expected - students as young as grade 2 were signing up and challenging older students, and even teachers. Some of the younger students were so into it, they insisted that we run it again this year. One of the grade 4 boys was particularly vehement in his insistence. Last year, in grade 3, he had managed to play his was to second on the ladder and was unable to defeat me (though he definitely tried). This year he was more determined than ever to beat me - over the summer he made his mom go out and by a Scrabble board so that he could practice (and this Christmas he got a Scrabble Dictionary in his stocking; it is one of him most prized possessions). So, after a few weeks of play, he had made it to the number one spot, and I made it to number 2. I challenged him, won, and was instantly challenged by him. Our game was set for the following week. That meant that for the next week, every time he saw me in the hall, he would look up at me and say with all seriousness "Tara, I'm taking you down!". After five days of this, I knew I had to say something. So, next time he said "Tara, I'm taking you down!" I looked at him and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown". Not missing a beat, he looked up at me and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown, and to London, and to Edmonton!" Down to Edmonton - you know that's serious.
Life Lesson: Make time for games night. It gives you a great way to connect with people, be it your family, friends, or students.
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