Every year, for the past five years, I have taught Health at my school. That means that every year, for the past five years, I have taught sex ed. Now, this has provided some of the funniest moments of my teaching career - questions like "What is the average speed/velocity of ejaculation?" (45 km/h by the way - that's speeding in a school zone!), and "Does 'blue balls' refer to the colour of the balls or their emotional state?" - it has also led to one of the most perplexing questions of all: what to use as an "analogue" for the condom demo. I know that bananas are pretty standard, but they can be excessively curved, and the squared end just doesn't work. Eggplants have the right texture, but are never the right shape. Then, out of the blue, it hit me - cucumber!
My first year teaching the class, I used the standard garden cucumber. Turns out, they're a bit too big. The girls in the class looked positively frightened at the prospect of something that size, and the boys were scared that that's what they had to live up to. The next year I decided to use English cucumbers. Although significantly longer, they are a more appropriate girth. Still not a good idea, though. One student almost fell out of his chair when I pulled those out.
The following year I did my research. I spent a good amount of time in the produce department, looking over all the options and trying to determine the most appropriate choice. And then, I saw them - the zucchinis. They were perfect! Just the right size! So, I grabbed half a dozen of them, a box of condoms, and just because, a tub of whipped cream. Now, Safeway had those self checkout lanes, and I could have used them, but that would have taken all the fun out of it. I chose my cashier carefully - a young guy, no older than 16, clearly someone who would be easily embarrassed - and went to make my purchase. He took one look at my items and went beet red.
This past year I bought the zucchini and condoms again, bypassing the whipped cream as there were no young cashiers to embarrass that day, and taught sex ed as I had for the three years previous. When all was said and done, I was left with 7 perfectly good zucchinis. So, I made muffins. Lots and lots of muffins. Surveying the mountain of baked goods I had on my counter, I knew I would never be able to get through them all - really, there is only so much zucchini one person can eat - so I decided to take some (4 dozen) to dance with me. They were a hit. Everyone who tried them loved them. The night was going great, right up until someone asked me why I had made zucchini muffins. I turned to them and said "I taught sex ed this week and didn't want the zucchinis to go to waste" and left it at that. I watched, amused, as their expression changed, first questioning, then realization, and finally "OMG what did I just put in my mouth!"
Life Lesson: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you zucchinis, bake, but don't tell anyone what you did with them first.
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